17 Jan 2014

Writings on the Wall

As a child and a teenager, I went through numerous tough times like many people. Moving to a country with a totally different culture to the ones that I had known had led me to witness the most difficult times of my life. The only advantage I had in the beginning was probably knowing the language even though later on I found out that, that didn’t matter much because no matter what a part of my will always be a stranger to this beautiful city covered in a blanket of clouds.

And this is not the point.

I was put into a special learning class in my secondary school. It was for kids with learning difficulties. Other than my strange ADHD that leans more towards ADD, I didn’t have any problems; I was there because I wasn’t born in this country. That and everything else around me had put me off school and the environment in general. But my dad had reasons on why we had to stay here and his reasons were too good to go against. As I grew older he always told me to aim high because even if I didn’t reach it, half of it would’ve been more than enough for me. Being so young and naïve, I obviously saw things through my pink glasses, words going through my ears and yet they had no meaning.

When I was around 13 or 14 I watched a movie called “A Beautiful Mind” I’m sure many people know that it’s about the great mathematician John Nash. I ended up reading his autobiography. I’m not sure why but Massachusetts Institute of Technology (M.I.T.) had caught my maybe a little too much. I asked my dad about the institution and I found out that it was one of the best universities in the world.

So I aimed high, higher than I could’ve imagined. I wrote my aim on my small whiteboard just to remind me at all times, like the coordinates of a star. I didn’t get to go to M.I.T. for my undergraduate maybe, but I ended up being a student at one of UK’s top 5 universities. Despite living so many horrid moments personally and academically and almost giving up on everything a few times, remembering what I had written on my wall had never failed to ignite the motivation that had gone out several times.

Now that I’m in my final year of university and still going through some rough patches, I was reminded by the writings on the wall. I had aimed high and I suffered…a lot, but I survived, what’s going to stop me this time?

My dad was right, even though I may have not reached the actual goal itself; I had set my target so high that even landing on where I am now is more than the halfway line.

9 Sep 2013


A night clearer than my eyes had seen in the most cloudless hours of the day light.
If it was possible to witness heaven,
It had laid right before my eyes.

As a child, I had thought of the stars to be fury of loneliness,
But now it was I, who was lonely under the stars.
Cold, inside and out, only to be wrapped around a thin orange shawl.

Trying to figure out and name the diamonds that hanged from the darkest skies,
Whilst the moon was hiding away.

Dizzied from the empirical beauty of the jewels above my head,
Enchanted, though I longed for your true presence instead.

3 Sep 2013

Smile Again

I guess I missed out again,
On a day that could’ve been filled with laughter.
My head’s been placed somewhere I can’t find,
But I promise, in the end it will all be fine.

Funny how you were the one who said these words,
So I’m barely the right author.
How many times will you be able to forgive?
Before you decide not to.

The memories of you,
They managed to run through my veins.
It’s easier than breathing
Your beauty I’m still learning to embrace.

At times I may be just a nuisance,
Know that I’m fighting my way through the dark.
I’ve already seen the glimmers up above,
And I’ll make you smile again.

Once a cold hearted woman,
Who kept it all deep inside.
Walking towards the future,
With no plausible aim set in mind.

You, the unexpected guest of the show,
Took the centre stage under the starless night.
Excuse me while I try to set my heart beat
Back to below the speed of light.

The memories of you,
They managed to run through my veins.
It’s easier than breathing
Your beauty I’m still learning to embrace.

At times I may be just a nuisance,
Know that I’m fighting my way through the dark.
I’ve already seen the glimmers up above,

And I’ll make you smile again. 

For U.K.:

27 Aug 2013

Otel odasi - 24 Agustos 2013

Suan sinirlerim okadar bozuk ki ne aglayacak gucum kaldi ne de bir damla goz yasi.
Gozlerim ve etrafi tamamen kurudu.
Kalp atisimi bile duyamiyorum.
Icimde disimda uyustu.
Ne o'nu yeniden gorebildim, ne sarilabildim, ne de kokusunu yeniden icime cekebildim.
Aramizdaki mesafeyi azaltmama ragmen iki engel cikti karsimiza.
Iki baba.
Ne ben derdimi anlatabildim ne o anlatabildi.

Ve suan tek kisilik yatakta adeta bi gerizekali gibiyim.
Ne dusunucegimi bilmiyorum.

"Bana kizdi mi acaba?" diye soruyorum kendime durmadan. Mesajlari okudum bir kac kez, ortada bana kizmasi icin pek bisey yok gibi geliyor ama bilemedim. Umarim kizmamistir...

Makyajimda akmis aglamaktan, gozlerim sismis.
Okadar inanmistim ki bugunun guzel gecicegine.
Ne desem ki simdi...
Mesajlarima cevap vermeyeli 1saatten fazla oldu, aradim mesgule atti.

Saat 11olmus....
Elimizden geleni yaptik ama degil mi?

O'nu goremedigimi, dokunamadigimi, sicakligini hissedemedigimi farkettikce kalbimin bir kismi kirilip milyonlarca parcalara ayriliyor.
Fiziksel olarak gogusumde bi agri beliriyor.

Nefes almak bu kadar zor olmamali.

5 Aug 2013

Delta Aquariid

Can I lie down next to you for a little longer?
On this white bench that’s been hurting our backs.
Under the half-moon that’s been shining down on us,
As if we’re waiting for another meteor shower.

How I wish I could stop the time,
Just to be in this position for infinity.
Your hand in my hand, fingers intertwined.
I think if I died now, I would be leaving the earth with a smile.

Traces of sand in my shoes and your scent wrapping my body,
My eyes are wide open yet it’s still like the best dream.
My life is almost complete now that you’re beside me,
And now all I need is you for a few more eternity.

My chest unfolds, revealing a once broken soul that’s now mended,
Your voice echoes in my ears overshadowing the beats of my heart.
“I could do this forever, until the very end of time”
My mind freezes as your lips press mine.

(Hayat, gece gökyüzüne bakıp "Bir tane bile yıldız olmaz mı?" derken meteor yağmuruna tanıklık etmekmiş...)